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happy halloween!

i am coming forth to bring you towards the light
i am making sure you hear this
i am giving you back your sight

don't you think i won't

i will
i will harm you in ways previously unlisted
i will break bones in your body you never knew existed

there will be an understanding between us
there will rest in you a great need
there will come a time to hate trust

don't you think there won't

i am
i am waiting patiently in the cold and static
i am waiting with the busted toys shut up in your attic

elapse

  the driveway was coated with a layer of freshly detached leaves pressed firmly to the pavement by the excess of moisture on the ground. an inconsistent smattering of large raindrops fell from the veil of slate clouds distorting the evening sky like an infinitely stretched patch of gauze. the sound of the droplets making contact with the lifeless foliage resembled that of bacon sizzling in a frying pan. street lamps cast a mellow sheen across peaks of gravel and tussled lawns. he got what he needed from his cigarette. as he turned to head back inside through the mud room he peered up towards the latent moon. 
  "i haven't forgotten about you", he tacitly maintained.

she gets into my car
now we don't have to drive very far
before she starts to twist her hair
and before i know it we're there

my breath is black as tar
makes her tears burn as bright as the stars
both of our shoes are worse for wear
but we both know that fair is fair

i shift my transmission
she don't like the new position

but, baby 

please please please
don't even try

i clutch the steering wheel
as she asks if i care how she feels
because she sees the turn is near
i tell her someone has to steer

my fuel she wants to steal
and her heart i just don't want to heal
all of our parts are clean and clear
but we stall in and out of gear

i shift my transmission
she don't like the new position

but, baby please

please please please
don't even try

please don't even try

you fear it
you fight it
you invite it
despite it

it comes unexpectedly
it comes unrelentingly

it comes 
venting

you want it
you wake it
you mistake it
forsake it

it comes indecisively
it comes unassumingly

it comes 
fuming

like it or love it
destroy or covet

your love could be all the time in the world

and i still wouldn't need it

my heart could be a million dollars
and you still wouldn't want it

start below the hide

see how i have tried

force a second tide

take it as your bride

as i would suspect

you've come to expect

is there something

really anything

to fairly let you know?

softer than the slow

figure any side

cipher what's belied

every time i slide

target on my pride

as i would expect

you've come to suspect

is there something

really anything

to fairly let you know?

softer than the slow

i believe in reciprocation

i believe you haven't been paying attention

i'm about love without systems

i'm about them once i've missed them

you're a stranger in the best way possible
i've grown tired of the magazines and fossils

i'm not interested in who's the fastest
i don't care about what's behind your sunglasses

don't give me any clue
take it at some kind of value

you work like a machine
good as any well-oiled dream

you're flicking your cigarette out the window
unaware that you're giving somebody a show

i take the back roads when i drive to your place
i wash my face before i touch my pillowcase

take away nothing else
but the truths that you tell yourself

and if i don't know you
then i don't have to forgive you

i'll take my time

i'll take yours, too

oh, what a gracious and selfless gesture

pass on the parchment like holy scripture

accept it since choice is not an option

no say in the matter like adoption

raise them fast and strong if you think it's wrong

they were armed with sound and found the list too long

all of the ships were ordered to be burned

if they weren't then what would the sheep have learned?

leather boots broke doors for better loot

sheep cowering in corners like deaf mutes

brought pain with plunder and rain and thunder

their only chance

like ants

was to go under

camps with blinding light and restless knife fights

comrades in old rags plot to take back rights

crude weaponry to avenge the infantry

the sheep assembled a tight company

sticks stones skewered through the wolves' skin and bones

cracked skulls seized hulls and desecrated thrones

the first slaughter was for their murdered daughters

the second for the first's fallen brothers

the cycles of genocide never died

the sheep and wolves held fast at their sides

the wolves tried to amend for their intrusion

the sheep said extinction was the solution

now propaganda and rebellion

decide property laws and the felons

chaos conjured by crossing boundaries

across injured natives their lands and seas

the sheep bred new militia and pity

they force fed and read it their history

states of morals and nationalism

all based on distant grudges and isms

was it worth it?
did it make you patient?
was it wrapped in bows?

is it angry?
did it put you up to this?
would you know it if you saw it on the street?

does it give you fair warning like i don't?

were you finished?
do you remember words?
was it satisfied?

are you with me?

can it see you in the dark?
could you have done without it?
did you throw out all of your hard earned rules?

can you say it?
did it straighten you neck?
did you feel its charm?

was it softer?
did i put you up to this?
do you know where it lives now?

is it more or less the same?
would it shock you if it were not?

is it safe to say you knew it all along?

pills to swallow

kills to follow

your schedule is filling up fast

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

let's play

i'll be the x-acto knife

and you can be the earthworm

a single failing word
we all know and heard
it's not quite the enemy
so i'll let sleeping dogs lie
on the grounds that they hunt on
and run on
and fuck on
and die on
and fall on
and break on
and spit on

answer before i ask
a sun made of glass
it's not quite the right question
but it keeps us revolving
in the light that we burn in
and pray in
and scream in
and lie in
and pull in
and hide in
and mix in

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n y l k j i h g f e d c b a

a y c d e f g h i j k l m o o p q r s t u v w x y z

z o x w v u t s r q p o n u l k j i h g f e d c b a

a u c d e f g h i j k l m w o p q r s t u v w x y z

z d x w v u t s r q p o n o l k j i h g f e d c b a

a o c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v y x y z

z n x w v u t s r q p o n t l k j i h g f e o c b a

a t c d e f g h i j k l m w o p q r s t u v u x y z

z f x w v u t s r q p o n a l k j i h g f e d c b a

a i c d e f g h i j k l m s o p q r s t u v o x y z

z n x w v u t s r q p o n h l k j i h g f e n c b a

a d c d e f g h i j k l m u o p q r s t u v t x y z

z m x w v u t s r q p o n p l k j i h g f e h c b a

a e c d e f g h i j k l m o o p q r s t u v a x y z

z a x w v u t s r q p o n n l k j i h g f e v c b a

a n c d e f g h i j k l m m o p q r s t u v e x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n y l k j i h g f e t c b a

a m c d e f g h i j k l m s o p q r s t u v o x y z

z o x w v u t s r q p o n h l k j i h g f e o c b a

a r c d e f g h i j k l m o o p q r s t u v n x y z

z e x w v u t s r q p o n r l k j i h g f e a c b a

a b c d e f g h i j k l m e o p q r s t u v l x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e l c b a

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v f x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e o c b a

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v u x y z

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e r c b a

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v s x y z

our lady of panacea

with all the money i give you
you think you'd give me a little credit

you owe me a good time

endless roads that end at
"i don't want to be here"

relentless impatience
accented by heavy silence

the rats that eat our dinner scraps
appreciate me more than you do

thick and thin flaws are showing up
uninvited at the in-laws

clean skin doesn't cover up
the stench of disappointment

what do you know about balance?
you can't even stand on your own two feet
without a hand out

you're quick to dismiss
but quicker to spell out what you expect

under a blue moon
on a hot fateful night
you give me the privilege
not the right
that i will pay dearly for very soon
like a baby fed by a silver spoon
even though it was less out of love
than spite

you drain your allowance dry
like it's none of my business
like it's your only business

and wear your jewelry
like trophies of your conquest

you don't wait
you don't give
you don't sweat

you don't pray
you don't write
you don't sing

you don't budge
you don't change
you don't try

you don't spare
you don't save
you don't lose

you don't make me love you
you don't feel the need to

stop touching me

you don't have to feel bad for me
don't worry about what will become of me
you just do what you need to
and i'll go do what i have to
and we'll both be disappointed in
each others decisions

don't start with that

this really isn't a contest
over which of us feels the worst about it
but if you insist
you will
who am i to resist your will?
and this can be the big break you thought
wouldn't come soon enough

i used to think

since it was all i could do then
there was something wrong with your sincerity
but i think that you're sorry
it's easy to be sorry
and i always knew i was born to betray a girl like you

i'm sailing off to a land
wrapped in the sea and the sand
i've tasted in the morning

i'm trailing off to a land
untouched by the sea and sand
i have felt sparkle and sting

winter days
as cold as winter nights
as cold as fading lights

they've brought me back before
they've brought me back to shore

long after the tide turned
long after the ship burned

i took a break along the way
where the pavement split
and the glass gave way

from the rooftops
to the last shops

i watched them all turn white

i took a break along the way
where the pack didn't
take the time to stay

in the great hall
around the bend

i watched them all turn white

i made a point of no return
a place where i had
to lift my lantern

from the courtyard
the house of cards

i watched them all turn white

a dis-assembly modern
private animals
decorative urns

with a match lit
on the sea cliff

i watched them all turn white

not fiction

the sacrifice that begs to live
hoping you'll forgive

pleading with its brow line
eyes like a diamond mine

lying about the knife on the rope
says you couldn't cope

the baby in the bathwater
made it dirtier

giving you the business
its voice like a crisis

detailing your potential losses
making you nauseous

a seed that dug its heels in you
roots like claws that grew

spread itself all over
you like a hot fever

now it's daring you to separate
what you love and what you hate

the absent racket

  on thursday the telephone rang. i picked up the receiver and held it closely to my ear barely breathing a hello. a woman asked me if i had found god. 

  "no," i replied, "but when i do, i shall be prepared with a glass of vinho do porto and a kitchen knife."

  she muttered something about farm animals and i hung up. i moved to my office and began organizing my library by date of the authors' deaths. within a few minutes the telephone sounded off again. on the other end a man inquired about my day. i told him it was ruthlessly benign and inquired about his wife's day. we exchanged notes on more personal matters, the state of the state, tips for properly roasting duck, and various exit strategies. we wished each other good health then ended the transmission as i slid the last work of danielewski onto the shelf. 

  after i had completed my task i decided to draw a bath and brew a fresh pot of coffee. i put the kettle on the burner just as the telephone rang once more. slightly irritated, i removed myself from the kitchen to the nearest unit located in the den. when i arrived, the ringing stopped abruptly in its tracks. from the threshold i stood staring at the previously noisy machine. it sat solidly atop the oak sofa table next to the fireplace. its cool, sleek black frame exposed the drab palate of the faded room, which i had become fond of ignoring. after a moment's fixation i pulled myself away from the door well and transported back to the previous room. 

  i retrieved the coffee tin from the cabinet above the counter top and removed the lid. as i opened the drawer to select a spoon, the telephone rang again. but as it had happened before, the telephone ceased its calamity the second i stepped foot through the door. i pondered who the party attempting to contact me was. i gazed heavily at the telephone. it appeared at the time the cord had been elongated. i quickly dismissed this notion and again returned to my now boiling kettle of water. i switched off the gas and paused. although i had anticipated it, the piercing bell sent a shock through my bones. i paced cautiously towards the sound. 

  when i entered the den the telephone fell silent. a wave of inexplicable warmth washed over my body. i swallowed hard and turned around, heading back in the direction from which i had come. my head swirled slightly and my extremities felt weak. no sooner was i three feet from the kitchen when the dreadful alarm froze me in my place. the incessant chiming echoed off the walls and filled the entire house demanding i repeat the perplexing ritual. balling up my fists with sweat beading around my forehead, i retraced my path. the sudden calm i heard from the doorway struck me like an anvil. nearly shaken to death, i stepped down onto the floorboards. 

  inching closer to the telephone, my eyes flared and my skin stung. i slowly reached down and grasped the receiver. i pulled it off of the hook and placed it to my ear. my eyes darting wildly, nervously i asked,

  "hello?"
  after a second of dead air i was responded to by my own cracked voice, 

  "hello?" 

  "who is this," i hissed, only to hear the exact question repeated, 

  "who is this?" 

  i slammed the receiver down and confusedly backed away from the table. i left the room hurriedly and overly distraught. in the hallway i nearly collapsed. i had to stabilize myself on the wall as i drew deep panicked breaths. i stumbled up to the kitchen doorway, frantically grabbing onto the molding. around me, my surroundings pulsated and my insides throbbed.

  as i reestablished my constitution and brought my line of vision up from the floor, my eyes met the sight which trumped the terror from the telephone. there, placed atop the granite counter sat a glass of 30-year-old semi-dry tawny port accompanied by a freshly sharpened boning knife.

i'm hungry
and making sure you can tell
letting you watch me notice how the air makes your chest swell

i've been feeling like a cannibal lately
but that's because i'm all animal, baby
i want to tear into your flesh
i want it raw
i want it fresh

i'm moving west
i'm moving less
i'm gonna blow these rusty old joints

i have a pledge
i have an edge
i'm what they call a dealer of death

i'm moving up
i move enough
i heard i'm just a villain that way

i get it wrong
i get along
i can't let my brain have all the fun

i'm easy
like a threat that you can spell
without a doubt the most jealous story you'll ever sell

i haven't been feeling any certain way
i can't wait to call these years the good old days
i want to stick it to your guns
i want it loud
i want it done

i'm making runs
i'm making tons
i'm looking nightmares straight in the eye

i say hello
i say i'll go
i'm shaking hands with the waterfalls

i'm making waves
i'm making caves
i'm a reasonable foreigner

i'm coming clean
i come between
i'm here for more than just the distance

wait it out
since you must have your doubts
or else why would you hang in the doorway like that?

you used to think there would always be another one
why bother counting the shells or aiming your gun?

start the car
since you must have your doubts
yeah he would have come back out through that door by now

i never used to worry if it made any sense
now i sleep with all these private disappointments

i listened very well
i heard exactly what to buy
and when to sell
thought by now i'd be set
figured i'd have more to show for it
and not this debt

you're too old to call it running away from home

i gave my lover a needle and a thread
i gave my lover a handful of dirt
i gave my lover a piece of my head
i showed my lover where it hurt

i considered for a time
putting all of my cares up in a line
giving them a special place in the sun
then shooting them down one by one

there wasn't much of a signal
there wasn't much of a sign
when it choked i didn't think twice
when it broke i didn't mind

the touch of a warmer hand
making a presence and making demands
coaxing me without ever knowing me
telling me what to think and be

i gave my lover an anchor and a chain
i gave my lover a fistful of theft
i gave my lover a drop of rain
i told my lover what was left

you dance like you don't want to have sex with me

who's buying you your next drink?
is he the one bumping lines off the bathroom sink?
or the one standing in the corner with his arms
crossed and his sunglasses on
like he's not having any fun

i love the song that's playing
you shrug and tell me you can't hear what i'm saying
pointing at both of your ears and shaking your head
to the beat of the music
and i mouth the words "forget it"

some punks are rushing the decks
bitching at the dj to switch up his old set
you may want to stop putting on all that lipstick
because your dry martini
is turning pink and glittery

can i have your phone number?
i'll give you mine as well so that you'll remember
since you keep asking the bartender if he's gay
after he's said "no" five times
and slipped you three of his best lines

you dance like you don't want to have sex with me

when it's time it's time
and when it's time it's fine
because you didn't waste your time
meandering around like i did

a little tit for tat
a little spit for spat

when you're fast you're fast
and when you're fast you're passed
because they only like it fast
if you leave just as fast as you come

where i lie 
i lie
and where i lie i try
because there's no reason to lie
if you're not getting something from it

when you give 
you give
and when you give you've lived
because they won't take what we give
unless they think there's something to it

a little tit for tat
a little spit for spat

yeah so well

good luck with all of that

hips lips rips

and all the filthy bits

well yeah so

good luck with all of that

to cry is to believe things could be better
to try is to risk your eyes growing wetter

very very ordinary
emily you are the enemy

how many knees have bent for a girl like you?
i can already think of two

wisdom
my oldest friend
you can do everything
except make me young again

and everything was equal
and everything was just
everything was fair

and everything was silent
everything was quiet
bells and whistles and bullets

and everything was dull
and all our mouths were shut
everything was there

banality is far and few
my teeth don't shine
my teeth just chew

smart money isn't on your mouth
you're not a rat
you're just a mouse

you talk points
i speak of lines
but our conversations never take shape

you say more with looks and limbs
than any combination of letters you can create

i change suits
you wear me out
even when it's not fashionable to

it lingers in the bedroom
long after the exposure to the city streets we drew

it wasn't quite spring
but things were starting to look different
a man and his boy were leaving their town
with a dreamer's intent

the man said softly
into his impressionable son's ear
"there's grass that grows greener than emeralds
but it doesn't grow here"

on a windless day
they turned their backs on caution and houses
deserting the glass and nails that contained
their respectful spouses

they knew they could be
the beloved that others would follow
or the foolish, regrettable mistakes
the horizon swallowed

the man told the boy
that security doesn't come cheaply
"the roots of a tree trade the chance of choice
for its stability"

your head in the clouds
their feet on the ground
they'll gladly keep what you have risked
when you want what may not exist

i didn't do it for the glory
i didn't do it for the points i stood to win
i didn't do it for the story
i didn't do it just to watch myself cave in

i didn't do it for the gold
i never even thought there was a prize to claim
i didn't do what i was told
i didn't think that there was anything to gain

from being tamed 
playing the game

until i lost you
until i lost everything

until i was left
until there was nothing left

didn't find it till it called my bluff
i didn't even have to introduce myself
didn't find it nearly fast enough
i didn't think that it would let me keep my health

i didn't find it in a book
i didn't find it where i least expected to
i didn't find it when i looked
i didn't believe it was too good to be true

because i knew 
it won't be you

until you want me
until you want everything

until you come back
until everything comes back

there was a moment when
i didn't hold you for security

i could say the wrong thing
you wouldn't give it back to me

anyone can do what i admit i did willingly to you
they can even make you believe that you wanted them to

don't pretend i am not still the boy you first met
or that i am not the man you hoped would grow to be kept

i want you without me

i want you alone

disconnected

by the telephone

in the room while you're in the lobby
wash the city off of my body

you think i'm still hiding in the cut
don't think i'm ready to give it up

i never said that i lied
how could i touch you if my hands were tied?
i never made excuses
i gave you every chance to refuse this

i was never pretending
to be some kind of hero in the making
i never said you were lucky
i broke everything you gave me

knee deep in fodder starving to death
you have it all but you want the rest

a good way to get your heart broken
keep searching for your long lost token

i watch the cabs crawl through the chaos
safely carry cargo to be lost

no moon no howl
no harm no foul

i never said that i lied
how could i kiss you if my tongue were tied?